Why I know for sure that marriage isn't for me.
It only dawned on me when I had to fill in a visa application form recently that I was actually divorced. Not that I was in denial no, I had totally wiped the entire event from my mind.
I should not have gotten married 3 years ago. I knew it when I woke up that Saturday morning in Thailand.
I should have been excited yet, all I could think of was 'Oh crap, I think I have to do this!'. My then ex-husband had bought me a wedding gift that he had deliverd to my room with flowers and breakfast.
What did I get him? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I thought of cancelling everything but wtf, I had my entire family here for a week enjoying snorkeling, sunset 🍹's, boat cruises and private island dinners. It was the perfect well-planned destination wedding, with blooming flower 💐's and plenty of laughter to perfectly compliment it.
So why did I actually walk down the aisle. Well first I thought, 'well 💩 everybody is here and I have spent a shitload of money on the hotel and flights for everyone. What would Mom and Dad think if I cancelled everything on the actual day? What would all those relatives start gossiping about?
'Let me just do it', I thought, 'I might actually like it when I wake up the next morning! I might actually want a person to worry about. I might actually want to have someone to cook for me'!
So I drank two glasses of champagne, shut the door and headed to my wedding like everything was 👌.
The answer was a big resounding no! None of those things happened. I carried on the honeymoon phase hoping one day I would wake up and some special tingly sensation would engulf my body and my emotions. Nada. Jack. Rien. Nothing!
I think I got married because I thought 'well hell, this guy has asked three times already and I am not getting younger! 'Maybe I'll want kids one day'. So I said yes! I said yes to imagining one day introducing my husband to a crowd and doing married couple things.
It took 6 months of faking the funk to realize I had to do something about my situation.
I was not happy 😞 and nothing he could do would change that. He did try. But nothing could shake me out of thinking that being my old single self would be so much better. I asked him daily if he was happy and he said yes. Every. Single. Day. I told him the truth. I was not and I could not see myself with him longer than the end of the year.
Marriage is one of those things I thought I would like and really enjoy. It wasn’t. Far from it. Did I marry the wrong person? Probably. Was it pressure? Partly yes, but only pressure I created for myself, or was it? You seem to be recognized only when you are John Smiths' wife 💍 or little Sarah mother 👶.
After I filed for divorce I kept counting the days until I received the ruling. Thank goodness, the liberal Scandinavian courts only need one partners consent. I signed those divorce papers faster than I now change documentaries on Netflix. It wasn’t for me. Marriage was just not for me.
I realized I am more than enough. Heck I have a great job, I travel, I take care of myself and my family, so why exactly did I think I would need a whole other person in my life to complete me?
'Let me give it a go', I thought.
When the divorce came through, I emailed him the court decision and that was that. I had earlier asked him to move out of my apartment and he took his time.
He was in denial and did everything possible to convince me not to go ahead with the divorce.
Meanwhile, I had mentally and physically moved passed that stage of being convinced. I was planning my life post-divorce already. What did I want to do next?
I decided to move out of the apartment I shared with my ex. There were way too many reminders. The day I had all my boxes stacked and packed in the mover’s van I burst out crying. Not because I was sad about the divorce but sad and hurt about how I thought I was not enough for myself...plus moving is a bitch guys! 📦 📦 🚗.
Fast forward to the visa application and when I was asked if I was married, I answered within a mile second that I am single. Then it dawned on me, 'Hey wait a minute, girl you are divorced!'. I had a chuckle and corrected my answer to the embassy lady and realized not only had I forgotten entirely that I was once married, but I had also forgotten how insignificant that event now was in my life.
Did I miss him, no. Did I miss being married, no. Would I have done anything different in hindsight hell yes, I just would have been honest with myself that Saturday I woke up feeling absolutely nothing.
I mean hey, I wrote my wedding vows in the bathroom before I left for the ceremony! If that wasn’t a sign I don’t know what was!
I keep being asked where "Mr Right" is by inquisitive relatives. I just bought myself an entire house for myself hello WTF! But no, please focus on me having to attain the life goal of being someone else's wife and mother.
I take my vitamins and am not in the same tax bracket I was 3 years ago. I am happy and do things daily that make me happy. So, I will continue to ignore and block such questions. I am enough and will always be.
I know now that its ok to try things out. Its ok to want to find things out. I learned so much more about myself in the process. What I know for sure now is that I am beyond content with my life.
Marriage really isn't for everyone and I'm happy just the way I am 😊 😊 😊